


You are my 3 AM thoughts

by nupoxsi



Category: Football RPF
Genre: 30 Days of Writing, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Llorente doesn't deserve him tbh, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-26
Updated: 2014-05-13
Packaged: 2018-01-17 03:44:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1372720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nupoxsi/pseuds/nupoxsi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>❝It's 3 AM and all I want is your lips on mine. It's the same as yesterday at 7 PM or last thursday at noon.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>It's the same as every hour, every minute, every second, since I've fallen for you."</em>
  <br/>
</p><p>Fernando loves him to the point he doesn't know where love ends and hurt begins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. beginning.

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I challenged myself to do, since I am not really doing anything important atm. These are ficlets that in a way explore Fernan2 from Amorebieta’s POV, ever since they met over ten years ago, till what we could call _now_. One thing I’d like to point out is that in this F2!verse, or whatever you’d like to call it, Fernan2’’s WAGs do not exist, so neither does Olivia. My apologies for this, but I guess it’s simply not the way my brain works.
> 
> I do not claim to know any of these characters, nor I am implying this happened. These are only headcanons I’m turning into words.

 

It was hard to point out the moment when it all had started, when Fernando began to see him not only as his best friend friend but as the centre of his universe. Perhaps it started when he noticed how Llorente’s hand lingered a bit longer than usual, how the sweet smiles came more often, leaving him breathless for seconds. Or it might have to do with the fact Llorente had treated him in an especial way ever since they met, no matter how many people surrounded him, Fernando was always close to him. Or maybe he’d always been attracted to Llorente.

Possibly all of those reasons were as valid as the next one.

They had known each other for so long that by now it was quite hard to picture his life without him in it. After they both had made it into the first team, the kind of routine they’d settled in suited Fernando’s life well. In the morning he’d wake up looking forward to go training, primarily because Llorente would throw his arms around him and receive him with such kindness an outsider would think they hadn’t seen each other in months.

What had taken him by surprise was Llorente’s receptiveness when he finally took the big step and kissed him. They’d been playing FIFA in Llorente’s house, the house completely desolated but for the two of them, and in between laughter and jokes accompanied by three big bags of Doritos, Fernando had decided to go for it. He had regretted it at first, unsure if he’d crossed a line he shouldn’t had, but then Llorente’s hands were shifting all over his body; from the back of his neck, trailing down to the curve of his hips. But what had made it all worth it was gazing upon Llorente’s face once they’d breathlessly broken off, stare into those calming blue eyes and find them shining in amusement.

“For how long have you been wanting to do that?” Llorente had asked him, one hand still set on the back of his neck.

“To be honest, I’m not quite sure.”

Looking back at that day, he still didn’t have an idea of for how long, but it had felt ages of looking at Llorente's handsome face and wondering _what if_ , but what he did remember was how he’d felt his cheeks burning and tried to look away because Llorente’s eyes felt like a bright light so pure it made him be a little embarrassed of screwing it up. Yet he hadn’t screwed it all. If Fernando closed his eyes and squeezed them shut really tight, he could still feel Llorente’s hands on him after that first kiss, and he could still relive all the emotions swirling through his body when Llorente had been the one to pull him into another kiss.

That day had definitely changed the way their relationship worked as.

From then on, Llorente’s touches started mattering in a whole other sense, all those mischievous looks whenever their eyes met across crowded rooms gave another meaning to the smile that drew on Fernando’s face, the excuses he made up to spend more time after practices with Llorente were used to spend in Llorente’s room making out as the orange sunlight crept through the blinds, treasuring every touch, every kiss, every smile, each one of those seconds they were able to spend time together.

Whenever they gathered with the other team-mates they still acted like the best friends they’d always been, Llorente would still throw an arm around his shoulders, they’d still laugh like they’d always done, and it seemed to be perfect. For Fernando, their friendship had just evolved into something he hadn’t been able to name yet, but that he was quite glad and content with.

 

Those were early times when Fernando thought he finally had understood what happiness meant.

_Fernando Llorente._

He thought that kissing Llorente that day had been the best decision he’d taken in his whole life.

He thought nothing could ever make him as happy as being with him.

He thought Llorente felt the same, and for that, he was more than grateful. 

 

Those were his thought, in the beginning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That little "flashback," or whatever you'd like to call it, is set around November 2003.


	2. accusation.

 

_  February 2004 _

 

Undeniably, happiness doesn’t last forever.

Not even three months.

 

Fernando wasn’t sure what broke inside his ribcage when he entered Llorente’s bedroom that February afternoon, but he was certain he’d heard something shattering on his insides the minute his eyes laid on the back of some girl with a long auburn hair that fell over her shoulders and onto her back, who was non-elegantly knelt in front of Llorente’s bed with one of her hands grabbing Llorente’s thigh.

“Shit,” Llorente’s voice came as a murmur, although it could had been a yell, Fernando couldn’t really tell the difference at the moment. The sound of his voice stopped whatever she’d been doing, which was pretty evident. “Fernando, I didn’t know you were on your way here.”

The voice didn’t seem to find its way out of Fernando’s throat, so he shrugged before he departed from the bedroom, letting himself rest against the closest wall on the hallway. It was hard for him to get air into his lungs, and oh, were those tears preying to come out?   _Breathe in, breathe out_. Amazingly so, he didn’t want to cry, even if his body was indicating just the opposite. He did feel betrayed anyhow, because if it was something Llorente wanted for, why would he just ask— 

 

 _Breathe in, breathe out_.

 

It didn’t take long for the other two to follow him onto the hallway. Fernando tried to ignore them, but it seemed quite hard when her hands were over his arm as she leant in close. The girl barely spoke, simply said a few words for Llorente’s ears only as he kissed one of her cheeks paying his goodbyes. He walked her downstairs, and Fernando figured he’d best follow them down, but stood in the living room as Llorente walked her to the main door. The last thing he wanted to see was a proper kiss between the two of them, so he waited patiently, letting his back rest on the couch’s cushions until he heard the soft click of the door closing.

“A friend,” Llorente commented as he appeared on the archway. His blond curls were quite messy, locks of hair pointing at different directions. He sat on the couch next to him, turning so they would be face to face.  “Lucía. Haven’t seen her in months.”

“How nice.”

“Sorry for that, I—”

“You’re not sorry for any of that.”

“Amore…”

“What?”

“First of all, you don’t need to use that tone with me.”

“She was blowing you!” Fernando blurted out in indignation, his index finger pointing accusingly at the closed door.

Llorente had something in his eyes that worked like magic, they appeased Fernando and made him feel disoriented, lost in his own thoughts. It was understandable why he hadn’t noticed Llorente’s hand was suddenly firmly gripping his thigh.

“And I’m not denying it.”

Fernando heard himself chuckle at the smug reply. “I can see that.”

“It didn’t mean a thing, though, you should know better than that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Listen,” Llorente started, sweet as ever, blue eyes staring right into his own. He felt weak under his gaze, breathless, even. “We’ve kissed and fooled around for a while, haven’t we? And if you ask me, it’s been great. You’re my best friend, and you mean the world to me, but that doesn’t make me your boyfriend.”

 

_Breathe in, breathe out._

 

“What does _this_ mean to you, then?”

“It means a lot of things, you know that.”

Maybe it wasn’t just Llorente’s eyes that worked on him. Maybe it was everything, from the tone of his voice to the softness of his caresses. All of those little acts made Fernando resign himself, calmed down the blood once starting to boil inside his veins. When Llorente’s hand cupped his jaw and his thumb sweetly brushed his cheek, he knew there were no words he could add to defend himself.

“If you want a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, this is not the right place to look for one, Amore,” he said, and it sounded so honest. “This is what I can offer you.”

The hand lifted his face only enough so Llorente could press his lips above Fernando’s, and he took them in like he’d do in any other time. Slowly, somewhat needy, paused, it was a kiss Fernando needed just to keep himself from wondering why he fancied Llorente in such manner in the first place.

“I’m only telling you this because I care for you,” Llorente whispered over his mouth as they paused to catch their breaths. “You know that, don’t you?”

“Yes, I know.”

“Then you need to understand the only way _this_ can ever be, Amore. I can’t promise you something we both know I won’t be able to give you. I’m not like that, I’ve never been like that, and you know as well as I do that it’s not gonna change. I’m sorry for that, I truly am. But if you’re willing to accept what I’m offering you, what we’ve had so far, then speak now.”

Fernando’s lips parted slightly, his throat went completely dry. Their eyes were locked on each other, but there was no way for Fernando to actually let him know how many things were crossing his mind.

It felt as if all the room had gotten colder and colder as the conversation moved forward, and there was no way to warm him up ever again. If he accepted his offer, it was more than known he’d get hurt, there was no doubt he’d care too much for Llorente and wouldn’t know where to stop. But on the other hand, how could he ever say no? How could he refuse what he’d wanted the most in life? How could push back his best friend, the one who’d never done anything similar?

The answer to that question was crystal clear for the two of them.

 

_Breathe in, breathe out._

  
Fernando closed the distance again and locked their lips together in a kiss, deciding actions would speak louder than any words.

 


	3. order.

 

_ April 2005 _

 

The music was not as loud as Fernando needed it to be. People were dancing all around the place at the rhythm of a song he’d heard at least a hundred of times that week, and although the guy in front of him was speaking, Fernando wasn’t really listening.

A couple of friends from the team had decided to throw him a party on Saturday night because, according to Gurpegi, a casual dinner with his parents wasn’t a formidable way to celebrate his twentieth birthday. Fernando had insisted it wasn’t a big deal, but most of them were already planning at what time the party would be when Gurpegi offered the party could be at his house.

 

The party was meant for him, but the amount of people he didn’t know was immense, and it included the guy who’d been flirting with him for the last hour. Every time the guy touched his arm Fernando had to drift back offering him an awkward smile in return, feeling it was sort of wrong. In complete honesty, he —Asier, was it?— wasn’t unattractive at all. He was shorter than Fernando, but he still had that manly face that anyone with eyes would be able to appreciate. Eyes of a olive green that matched the shirt he was wearing, short, brown hair, and a cocky grin in his face that ensured his intentions for the night.

“So tell me, _birthday-boy_ , are you single?”

Well, Asier wasn’t ugly, but if he kept on calling him birthday-boy, Fernando was going to stand from his chair and go somewhere else— _anywhere_ else than listening the words of a guy who probably just wanted a quick fuck for the night.

However, Fernando’d been meaning to put some order in what was his personal life after taking so much crap. For months, he’d pushed away with kind smiles and lame excuses anyone who’d attempted any move on him.. Even if he was aware he wasn’t in a relationship, his world still rotated around Llorente. There was a constant _what would Llorente think_ in his mind every time he considered the possibility of kissing someone else, let alone fucking. Which was ridiculous, in all manners. Llorente had clearly specified they were nothing special, so why would he kept on being slightly disgusted at the thought of letting a stranger’s hands touch his body?

Fernando drank half his beer in only one gulp.

To change his life, he needed to do something. The party was for him, anyway, and it was okay to want to free himself a little bit. Perhaps he could start to establish some order later on if he proved to himself that he could be with someone other than Llorente, it could be the first step he needed to get over his silly crush before it grew into something even bigger, something he clearly wasn’t ready for.

Plus, Llorente hadn’t even showed up, so what the hell?

“Yeah,” Fernando replied, drinking up from his beer again. “Yeah, I am.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

That time, when Asier moved his hand to place it over Fernando’s arm, he remained still. Weird wasn’t the word to describe Asier’s touch, it was something between new and exciting, something Fernando was heedlessly determined to try.

“I know this is your party, but what do you say if we go somewhere else?”

“You got a place in mind?”

A mischievous grin played on his lips. “Yes.”

 _What the hell_.

“Okay, sure.”

 

Fernando finished what was left from his beer and left the bottle on the coffee table, beside the other five empty ones. Another song started in the second they got up,just as moved and all dance-y as the last one, people jumping up and down and hindering them in their way out. Asier got a firm grip on his arm and decided to push past the dancing crowd. Maybe Fernando was a bit light-headed from the beer

He hadn’t taken more than three steps out of the door when an arm wrapped around his neck and pulled him away from Asier’s side.

Everything had happened way too fast. The other arm had looped around his waist and his whole body had been turned over and pressed against a broad chest, sweet lips were suddenly claiming his own in a hungry kiss. Fernando would had pushed away if it hadn’t felt as detailed familiar as it did.

“I’m sorry for being late, but I didn’t exactly felt like partying today,” Llorente said to him with that breathtaking smile that never failed to make his heart beat faster and faster.”But I’m glad to see you’re going already, because I came to pick you up.”

“Pick me up?”

“Yeah. Gurpegi might have thrown you a party, but I have a couple of surprises myself.” He tightened the arm on his waist in a affable way. “Unless you have other plans for the night.”

Fernando’s blinked a few times and— Asier. He turned immediately towards the man and studied his face. His eyebrows were furrowed together in confusion, arms folded in his chest and a sort of frown that looked just like question mark.

“No.”

There was no point in glancing over at Asier’’s direction, the loud sigh followed by three _tsks_ were enough. Instead, Fernando leaned forward and pressed his lips over Llorente’s once more. One of the million things he loved about kissing Llorente was the way he could feel him smiling against his lips, and how he’d flicker his tongue on Fernando’s bottom lip before deepening the kiss, and how the world seemed to stop around them, how everything else became entirely meaningless compared to the taste of Llorente’s mouth combined with the traces of beer on his own.

“Let’s go,” Llorente told him as their broke apart, his pupils were completely blown and, perhaps it was the beer, but Fernando swore there was some colour creeping from under his collar.

 

* * *

 

That same night, when Llorente had him pushed against the large mattress of his bedroom, little did he care for putting order in his life. Fernando was breathing heavily as Llorente’s mouth trailed down his body, licking and marking everything he wanted to, his strong hands brushing all those weak places in his torso that made the air leave his lungs in an instant.

“Happy birthday,” Llorente whispered as his mouth ghosted over the hardness in his pants.

 _Fuck_.

  
Who would ever want order when you could have Llorente instead.

 


	4. companion.

_ September 2006_

“Hey, Javi, come sit here!” Llorente called the new guy out as he approached their table, patting the empty chair next to him.

They were gathered at a pintxos restaurant in Casco VIejo, Iraola’s favourite. The place was rather small compared to other restaurants in Bilbao, nevertheless it was cozy and ideal for a meal with a small group of friends. Aduriz had been the one who’d ushered them into their seats as soon as the waitress got them a table, and he’d dragged Fernando down with him, leaving Llorente right in front of them.

He didn’t know who had invited the new guy, but the welcoming way in which Llorente stood up to pull him into a tight embrace gave Fernando a couple of ideas. Ever since he had joined the first squad, Llorente had tried to welcome him into their group, something Fernando should be okay with, but he definitely wasn’t. He watched from the other side of the table at how Javi started to shake hands with the other guys, and Fernando had to be polite enough to offer him a handshake as well.

Something changed in Llorente ever since the new guy joined Athletic. Certainly, he was a funny guy that fit perfectly in their group of friends, always with a silly comment to add that’d make them all burst into laughter. All but Fernando, of course. At first he was curious about the new guy, but the way he made Llorente smile made him feel an emptiness in his stomach that was truly unpleasant. His hair was of a dark shade of brown as were as his eyes, his nose somewhat resembled a toucan’s, and he was as tall as Llorente and himself. Some would consider him handsome, but Fernando wasn’t able to see that charm in him. Perhaps it was due to the fact the new guy seemed to be Llorente’s new favourite person.

Something changed in Llorente ever since the new guy joined Athletic. Certainly, he was a funny guy that fit perfectly in their group of friends, always with a silly comment to add that’d make them all burst into laughter. All but Fernando, of course. At first he was curious about the new guy, but the way he made Llorente smile made him feel an emptiness in his stomach that was truly unpleasant. His hair was of a dark shade of brown as were as his eyes, his nose somewhat resembled a toucan’s, and he was as tall as Llorente and himself. Some would consider him handsome, but Fernando wasn’t able to see that charm in him. Perhaps it was due to the fact the new guy seemed to be Llorente’s new favourite person.

Yeah, it was definitely it.

“You need to try the morcilla ones,” Fernando said, placing two pintxos on the new guy’s plate, who simply laughed and nodded eagerly.

There were over ten different types of pintxos on the table, but Llorente’s favourites were morcilla pintxos, which was the reason Fernando never ate those. He’d rather seeing Llorente’s satisfying smile as he took the first nibble. Instead, he’d always settle for simple prosciutto ones with some mushrooms on top. Looking at his own plate of pintxos, Fernando wondered how many of his daily decisions were influenced in one way or another by Llorente.

“They’re good,” the new guy said, with half the food still in his mouth. “But I like the salmon ones better.”

“By the end of the year you’ll learn to love them, I promise you.”

Llorente’s smile was full of honesty and kindness and it made him feel utterly numb, because he couldn’t quite remember how long it’d been since Llorente had showed him one of those pure smiles. The ones Fernando got to see were the ones filled with lust and desire, hunger and carelessness. He wished he could trade some of those back to the ones the new guy was getting.

“You okay?”

“Uhm?”

Aduriz was staring at him with a quizzical look. “You’ve barely eaten tonight.”

“I’m not much hungry,” Fernando lied, granting him a small grin. “Don’t worry.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Fernando peered at Llorente and the new guy. They seemed to be spending a good time, the sound of their laughters mixed together made him shudder as he drank from his coke, but he decided to let it go. There was no point in becoming embittered just for the sakes of it. Realising Llorente wasn’t going to talk to him in what was left of the night, Fernando decided to take a deep breath and finish the pintxos on his plate.

Time passed by as they ate. Fernando took part in the conversation with the other guys every now and then, a few words to lighten his own mood. He wasn’t certain what he’d said, but Gurpegi ended up spitting out all of his drink, and everyone at the table bursted into laughter all at once. Aduriz seemed to be more than just amused by it, and pinched one of his cheeks in an affectionate gesture.

Fernando would’ve been as cheerful himself if it weren’t for the lack of attention Llorente had given him.

When they stepped out the restaurant, the majority of them called it a night and in between hugs, some chuckles, and pats on the back, they parted to their respective houses, or wherever the hell they were heading that night. In the end, it was only the new guy, Llorente and himself.

“I’m tired,” the new guy said, stirring like a black cat on a empty alley.

“Are you? I was thinking of a couple of places we could go to, it’s not that late.”

“We have practice early in the morning, though,” Fernando pointed out, and his voice made Llorente turn to look at him.

“I was actually thinking of taking Javi somewhere around, just the two of us, since he doesn’t really know the city like we do. It doesn’t bother you, does it?”

“Oh.” Javi apparently was as oblivious as himself, but when wasn’t Javi oblivious of things going on around him, anyway? Fernando swallowed the lump in his throat and bursted out a forced chuckle. “No, it doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve got other things to do at home, anyway.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow at practice, then.” Llorente’s hand fell on his shoulder and gave him a light squeeze.

“Yes. And I hope you get to see cool places,” he said at the new guy, staring into his dark eyes.

He smiled. “Thank you, Fernando.”

Fernando waved and didn’t allow himself to hug neither of them goodbye, he couldn’t bear it at that moment. After a nod, Llorente let go of his shoulder and flashed a wide smile at the new guy. Fernando simply stood in place and watched them head down the semi crowded alley, Llorente’s arm thrown around his companion’s shoulders.

 _Javi_ , he made himself think

“ _Javi_ ,” he made himself say.

He need to start getting used to that name, because it wasn’t going away anytime soon.

 

Later that same week, Llorente was whispering _sorry_ several times between kisses, yet he never really specified what he was sorry for. Perhaps he was sorry for ignoring some of his calls, or for spending all his free time with Javi, using the excuse he wanted to show him the best places in Bilbao. Maybe he was sorry for something he hadn’t done yet.

The reason behind Llorente’s words didn’t really matter, anyway.

Deep down Fernando knew none of those apologies were real.

 


	5. thousand.

_November 2006_

 

A thousand days had gone by since the day Fernando had silently accepted that proposition.

Two years, eight months, twenty-seven days, and God knows how many hours.

A thousand days.

Surely, the word _thousand_ gave the impression to be a great amount of time, and perhaps it really was, but the days had started to move faster ever since then.

Though a lot of things had happened in a thousand days.

Fernando was twenty-one already, playing with Athletic first squad in La Liga, his hair still messy and a spiderweb tattoo now covered his right elbow, but apart from that, he was still the same guy he was almost three years ago.

And well, regarding Llorente, things were a bit complicated.

Initially, it seemed he’d realised it did bother Fernando to keep bringing up Javi in their conversations, because weeks would go by without listening the guy’s name in Llorente’s voice while they were alone, which he highly appreciated. Llorente also invited Fernando more often whenever he’d take Javi to a certain place. In all honesty, he still didn’t like Javi, but maybe if he tried really hard he’d be able to spend time together.He needed to get along with him, anyway, they were part of the same team now.

Secondly, that one time a thousand of days ago didn’t happen to be the only time Fernando had caught Llorente kissing or flirting with somebody else. The count increased to twelve girls, eight guys by now, at least in his presence. It would never take him much to get people’s attention, Llorente looked like a greek God and he was well aware of that, he could have anyone he wanted to. Which he did without much trouble. Fernando remained silent, after the third time it happened, he simply got used to it.

During rough times he’d try to convince himself it would be okay, it would change some day.

Yet when that day arrived, it felt like a bucket of cold water.

It was hard to tell in which precise moment Llorente had stopped picking random people to hook up with, but for about four weeks he’d avoided fans after trainings, the kind of fans he’d usually ask out to get a drink or go directly to his house, if the sky had already turned dark. Fernando was certain of it, he’d been around Llorente for too long to know there was something different.

Of course, the fact that Llorente had stopped seeing random people  didn’t give him the reliability that Llorente was magically going to be with him now, by any means.

  
But Fernando could wait.

He could wait for Llorente to realise he’d been there the whole time.

He’d waited for a thousand days already, and he could wait for a thousand more.

He could wait for as long as it took.

  
And in the meantime, he’d hold onto whatever Llorente would choose to give him, no matter how small or insignificant it was, it always meant the world to him. For every thousand of reasons Fernando found to let go of Llorente, he found five thousand more to keep him as close as he could.

 _As long as it lasted_ , he bitterly thought to himself.


	6. prepared.

_ February 2007 _

 

Fernando knew he should’ve been prepared, he should’ve seen it coming.

But by the time it happened, the only thing he was able to feel had been his heart shattering in his chest.

The dressing room was supposed to be empty, the match ended about one hour ago. After taking a hot shower, Fernando had gathered with some of his team-mates to have a nice chat, but when he realised he’d left his training bag back in the dressing room. So when he rushed inside, he wasn’t expecting to find Llorente pinning Javi against one of the white walls, kissing him as if the world depended on it.

Fernando felt the room spinning in circles around him, it was hard to concentrate on something else, everything was a complete blur. His long legs weakened, the trembling on his muscles increasing with each passing second his eyes lingered on them. It was happening, it was really happening, and his heart was breaking into smithereens at the sight of it. Fernando desperately needed to find something to hold on to, but as he reached for a wall, a bench, anything at all, he found there was nothing that he could use as a support.

Hs arms fell idly at his sides and his gaze set on the silhouettes of his team-mates kissing.

Their legs were tangled together like vines, and Javi’s hands were running all over Llorente’s back as the man kissed fiercer, pressing their bodies closer together. The moment couldn’t last longer than ten seconds, but for Fernando it lasted an eternity, his eyes flickering from their faces to the way they touched each other.

With a loud thud the door finally closed at his back, making Llorente and Javi jump in exaltation. Their heads shot in his direction almost immediately, alarmed eyes staring at him. Fernando’s gaze set on Llorente, though, always in those blue eyes he knew so well.

And Llorente chuckled.

He chuckled and threw his head back as he did, his hands still on Javi’s body, with no intentions of pulling back. There was nothing funny about the whole situation, Fernando’s head was aching and he didn’t know what to do, nor where to move, nor what to think. The only thing he knew for certain was that if he blinked, his eyes would get filled with tears that he’d do his best not to let out.

“ _Madre mía_ , you scared the hell out of me! ”Llorente exclaimed, tearing his gaze from him to look at Javi for a few seconds. “Jeez, Fernando, thank God it’s you! I thought it was the Míster, for a small second.”

Fernando suppressed the urges to cry, to shout, to let his body collapse right in that moment. With his broken heart, he faked a small smile The last thing he wanted to do was to stay in the dressing room, but he expected them to pull apart, at least a bit. However, those were not Llorente’s plans.

“Sorry for interrupting.” Somehow, Fernando managed to find his own voice and, amazingly, kept it from cracking as the words left his lips. “I forgot my bag.”

“There’s no need for apologies.”

_Of course there isn’t._

It only took him a brief moment to spot his bag on top of a red bench, and without wasting more time than he had, Fernando lurched towards the bench and grabbed what he’d been looking for. His fingers were curled on the fabric of the bag so tightly his knuckles were aching, but it was absolutely nothing, barely a soft tickle compared to the way his heart felt.

“I’ll…see you tomorrow.”

With those small words, and without waiting for a reply, he rushed out of the room. He didn’t want to hear a _«have a good day, Amore»_ nor a _«sure thing, Amore,»_ not when the image was still sewed in his brain. He didn’t want to get a text four hours later telling him to go to Llorente’s place. He didn’t want to remember the sound of Llorente’s chuckles as he silently fell apart.

He stomped towards the parking lot, not stopping even for a second after hearing Aduriz calling his name in the distance. The moment he stopped, he’d break down, that was for certain. So he kept moving forward, putting one feet in front of the other, trying not to look at his sides, until he reached his car and locked himself inside.

And he cried.

The tears finally fell down his face, soaking his cheeks wet and rolling until they reached the line of his jaw. In a way, it was liberating, his hands were still trembling as they settled on the wheel, his breathing was becoming more and more laboured as his sobs were gaining power.

Fernando felt so stupid.

How could have he been so naïve to even consider Llorente would change for him?

It was Javi.

Everything was for Javi.

The worst about the whole issue was that there was nothing to blame Llorente for. If he had to blame someone, he’d have to blame himself for getting too invested, for fancying him, for wanting more than he could ever have. He’d let Llorente turn into his source of happiness and stability without realising it, and the moment his hopes had risen higher than they’ve ever been, he found himself falling into bottomless pit.

A bottomless pit called love.

 

In between sobs, Fernando laughed at the thought.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Es verdad nunca me dio esperanzas, pero tampoco me las quitó. Quizás fue la puta de la duda la que me llevó al error._ \- Melendi
> 
> A necessary quote that I'm quite sure a friend will appreciate having here.


	7. denial.

_ March 2007. _

 

_No._

_I don’t love him._

_I can’t love him._

Fernando accepted another glass of whisky and drank it almost immediately, loving the way it started to burn as it slid down his throat. At first he’d drank a cup of sherry, but it didn’t quite have the effect he’d been hankering for. Whisky was the answer. How many glasses had he had already? Three? Thirteen? Thirty? Fernando wasn’t sure, but he knew there was a three somewhere in the number.

Had it really been that long when they first kissed? Wasn’t the way his cheeks flushed crimson red supposed to mean Llorente was a crush, and only a crush? When had the word crush started to be too simple for what he felt?

“Thank you,” he said to the faceless bartender.

Maybe he’d really given up on waiting for the crush-phase to go, and embraced the way he felt for Llorente without being aware of it.

However, little did it matter now, didn’t it? Whether he acknowledged it or not, the pain in his chest would only grow larger and larger by time. And the image of Llorente pinning Javi against a wall was still burning on the back of his mind. It hurt and it sucked and there was nothing he could do about it.

_I don’t love him._

_I can’t love him._

Maybe if he said those words over and over again, they’d have some kind of effect on him.

Maybe if he repeated them he’d start to believe in his own lies.

Maybe if he just—

“Hey…”

A voice called up to him, pulling him out of his trance. Fernando wanted to drown in his glass because he knew that voice, he knew it too well. The warmth of a familiar hand on his lower back made him shudder all of a sudden. He laughed, bitterly and keenly, because it was him, of course it was him.

It always had to be Llorente.

“C’mon, buddy, you’ve had too many of these.”

_Too many? I don’t think they’ll ever be enough._

The atmosphere which surrounded Llorente’s face was quite foggy, Fernando wasn’t able to distinguish between actual people and the wallpaper on the walls. But the eyes, those blue eyes were as bright as they’ve ever been and Fernando felt himself craving for another shot of whisky. Everything happened too fast, but the next thing he knew was that the same strong hands were pushing him to the inside of a car.

Llorente’s car.

“Where are you taking me?”

“You’re crashing in mine’s today,” Llorente said, only taking his gaze off the road to flash him a smile. How could his teeth be so white even in the dim of the night? “Hope you don’t mind that.”

“Never.”

Fernando didn’t know how long was the drive, but he blinked and Llorente was already parking the car on the side of the empty street. His limbs felt too light, he tried to get out of the car on his own and fell the whole world swirling, losing his balance. He would’ve fallen if it weren’t for Llorente’s hands keeping him in place. It took him a bit, but eventually he regained his balance and tried to gently shove Llorente away.

“Can you stay on your own?”

“Yes.”

Maybe it was a lie, his abilities to walk were rather uncertain, but with swift movements he was able to reach the front door and rushed inside almost immediately. Llorente was quickly at his side again, closing the door once they both were in. His hands were on Fernando’s arms, guiding them through the darkness until they stood in front of a door.

And Fernando knew that door, he narrowed his eyes, and looked suspiciously over his shoulder. “Your bedroom?”

“Yes.” Llorente smiled and opened the door for him. “Get in.”

Llorente’s attitude wasn’t the same one he kept on the countless nights he’d entered the bedroom with another intentions. They were not going to fuck that night. He knew it from the way Llorente’s touches were more kind and caring than they’ve been in a while. He let Llorente get rid of his shoes and jeans, and tuck him into the bed. It was strange, there was a spare room in which he could stay in, he knew Llorente’s house as well as his own. Yet applying logic to their friendship was rather fruitless, wasn’t it?

“I need to take a quick shower, stay here and lay on your side until I get back, okay?”

With nothing to add, Fernando nodded and rolled on his side, burying his face on the soft pillows. The deeper he sunk into the pillows, the stronger Llorente’s scent filled his nostrils, and he wondered if Javi had ever slept in that very bed before.

Of course he had.

“Stupid Javi,” he muttered against the fabric of the pillows. “Stupid Javi with his stupid face. He doesn’t—- he’ll never understand. He’ll never like him as much, he’ll never love him like I do.”

_But I don’t love him._

_I can’t love him._

Fernando said those words over and over again, perhaps even out loud, he wasn’t certain of anything anymore, just that he couldn’t love him.

* * *

He must had fallen asleep shorter after that, because only in the blink of an eye Llorente was back, turning on the lights of the room, wearing a white t-shirt and boxers.

“Sorry,” he muttered softly as he turned the lights off again. “I didn’t know you’d fallen asleep.”

“M’ not.”

“Yes, you are. I’ve never seen you this drunk.” Llorente was at his side again, painfully close, and Fernando was able to hear the smile in his voice. “Has something happened?”

“Everything ‘s fine.”

Llorente leaned in to place a small kiss on his lips. It lasted but a few seconds, yet Fernando’s mind went completely blank as Llorente’s lips moved against his own and his thumb caressed the skin on his neck and—

He needed to remember.

_I don’t love him._

_I can’t lo—_

_Fuck._

He was screwed

And Llorente scooped closer, running his hand through Fernando’s hair. “Are you sure about that? Ganix called me when he saw you at the bar, said you weren’t looking any good. I got worried about you.”

The words are as hurtful as staring at his perfect face is, the face of the only person who could make him fly high only to let him fall at the next second.

“There’s no need to.”

“Yes there is,” Llorente said back, a kind grin that made his head feel dizzy. “Let’s sleep now, yeah?”

“Yes.

“Goodnight, Amore.”

Even if he wanted to let everything out of his chest, take the time and say he discovered he was madly in love with him, Fernando didn’t trust himself enough to reply, the words were too heavy and he felt extremely weak. If he could just push Llorente away, he’d do it but instead he rolled on his side and cursed under his breath when a strong arm was wrapping around his waist.

The next morning Fernando woke up alone with a piercing headache and the taste of Llorente’s lips still present on his own.

  
****

 


	8. move.

_ January 2008 _

 

Evidently, it had taken him quite a while to get used to the idea of a new routine, but somehow Fernando had sort of mastered the art of ignoring what was going on in front of his very own eyes and concentrate in things that he hadn’t done in a while. Like dialing his brother’s number more often, inking his skin with two new images that’d been on his mind for a while, hanging out with Gurpegi after trainings to watch TV shows. By now they were done with the first season of _Prison Break_ and were halfway through _Heroes_.  Perhaps those things weren’t as big as Fernando needed them to be, but they were something to get his mind off things that did him no good.

It had been months since he came to the realisation he was in love with Llorente, and he’d tried to sort a few things out before he kept hurting himself and holding onto he idea of something that most likely is never going to happen. Without any doubt, Llorente was still seeing Javi, and as the time passed, they seemed to only grow closer. The knowing looks they shared while the whole group was gathered still annoyed the hell out of Fernando, but, again, he only did his best to ignore all interactions between the two of them and simply tried to move on. However, moving on from someone as Llorene wasn’t an easy thing to achieve.

Regardless of the situation he found himself into, Fernando still picked up the phone whenever Llorente’s name appeared on the screen of his mobile phone, he couldn’t help it, not today, not next week, not in three thousand years from now. Yet those calls weren’t as constant as before. Apparently Javi was doing quite an excellent job keeping him satisfied.

What occupied a large amount of space in his mind was, afterall, football. In what had been almost year, Fernando had pushed himself hard, spending almost twice the time on training than he did before. Early in the morning he’d throw some clothes on himself and take a good run along the square, enter the coffee shop right in the corner and ask for his usual large caramel latte with extra foam, which worked as his breakfast. After that, he’d head directly to the training centre, without mattering if he arrived earlier than everyone else.

There was something most liberating about having the whole training field to himself. Maybe it was just the idea of peacefulness that came with the feeling of being alone, but there was something else about it that gave him a relaxing feeling. That chilly thursday Fernando warmed up for about five minutes before running a few laps by himself, enjoying the cold weather and the sound of a city that was beginning to wake up.

It didn’t take long for some of his team-mates to join him. Susaeta was the first one to appear by his side, merely patting his back as he started to warm up below the clouded sky. Slowly, the training pitch stated to get more crowded, Fernando paying a kind grin to whomever approached him as he jogged. Even at Javi, who was overwhelmingly cheerful that morning. But apart from that, Fernando did his best to pay him no mind during the rest of the training, running with the ball at his feet, zigzagging through orange cones as the clouds disappeared to let the sun shine upon them.

During the training, Fernando had barely taken a glimpse at Llorente, but when he was putting his clothes on right after taking a shower, the blond man was waiting for him, sitting on the bench where he’d left his new clothes. There was nothing he could do to avoid him, and deep down he didn’t want to, not now when they were completely alone. So as he began to put on his trousers, he turned his gaze at Llorente, offering him a lopsided smile.

“Hi.”

“Uh, hello,” Fernando greeted him. “I thought you were gone with Javi already.”

“We’re going to get lunch, but I told him to wait for me outside.”

“Ah, of course.”

“But I was waiting for you because I wanted to ask you something.” He giggled, and it made Fernando shudder as he ran the towel over his torso. “I feel it’s been a while since we last spoke,” Llorente said with a hint of sadness in his voice, blue eyes that Fernando tried to avoid. “Are you going out with the guys when we’re out of here?”

Fernando chuckled awkwardly. “Actually, no, I’m not.”

Llorente reaches to run his fingers on his now dry skin. _Move_ , Fernando unquietly thought to himself as Llorente’s hand lingered on his naked torso. _Move, shake his hand off you, get the hell outta here, move_. However, Fernando remained completely paralysed until Llorente removed his hand, feeling the hair on the back of his neck stand up as an icy chill washed down his spine.

“Does that mean you’re free tonight?”

In part, he wasn’t, earlier that week Gurpegi had invited him to watch a movie at his place that night. But Fernando’s answer was a short “yes,” as he put on his long-sleeved shirt.

“You can swing by my place at 8 o’clock if you want. We could grab a couple of beers, play FIFA, I could make us some Macaroni salad, or whatever you like. What do you say?”

It was always hard to tell whenever Llorente’s intentions were true, and not a sugarcoated and egoistic act to get something from Fernando. Something being sex, of course. But the longer Fernando took to reply, to pretend he was still fixing himself, hands ruffling his own wet hair, the more conviction he earnt. Perhaps Llorente was being honest and did want to spend a good time with him, but—

“Is Javi coming?”

Llorente looked taken aback from the question, crowded eyebrows furrowed in confusion as a cheeky grin played n his lips. “What? No, he’s not coming.”

“Uh…”

“I was inviting _you_ , Amore, not him. And I’m going to take your answer as yes,” Llorente said, and he didn’t sound annoyed nor bothered by the mention of Javi. Instead, he stood up and threw an arm around Fernando’s shoulders, pulling him into an one-armed hug.

“Yes,” he replied, patting Llorente’s back, “yeah, I’ll go.”

It was quite sad to realise that by ignoring and pushing away the man he loved for getting hurt, he was also starting to drive his best friend away.


	9. summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fail at writing challenges, oh my god.

_ July 2009 _

 

“Where the hell are you taking us to?”

“I already told you, it’s a surprise,” Llorente chanted cheerfully, gaze fixed on the highway ahead. “But that doesn’t mean much now, does it, Amore? II bet you already know the answer to that question.”

Honestly, Llorente couldn’t be more right. Fernando’d known the place they were heading at ever since they took the second exit on the left.

The night before, Fernando had accepted Llorente’s offer to spend that afternoon together without caring to wonder what his plans were, or even what time in the afternoon he actually meant. At first he’d thought spending the afternoon together meant Llorente wanted him to swing by his house earlier than usual, but Llorente actually suggested it’d be better if he picked Fernando up the next day. Earlier that same day, when Llorente showed up on his doorstep wearing a black tank top and bermudas, Fernando greeted him and accepted his warm embrace, even in the hot and sticky summer. After they’d broken apart, the only doubt Fernando had was their destination, but the moment he’d spoken his mind, Llorente’d waved a dismissive hand and hugged him again, telling him it was a surprise. There weren’t many things to ask after that, Fernando’d simply followed him to the car and they’d been on the road ever since.

Dark sunglasses hid Fernando’s hazel eyes from the bright sun shining upon them. Usually, Fernando didn’t wear sunglasses, not even during the summer, most of the times to hide the dark circle under his eyes or whenever he was really hungover. That day, though, he wore them for a whole different reason. Sunglasses gave him the chance to pretend he was asleep without Llorente noticing, something he’d discovered and used to his advantage since a few years ago. Scarcely five minutes after they’d began their trip, Fernando’s head had rolled backwards to rest upon the seat, however, he’d been awake for the whole forty-and-so minutes of their ride. Not that he didn’t want to chat with Llorente, which he obviously did, but he preferred to hear the blond guy singing out of tune some of the tunes playing on the radio whilst he thought no one was listening. He wouldn’t hold back as much as he did when the two of them were singing. It was a carefree . That was part of all the little things about Llorente that probably no one but Fernando were able to compile.

Now, the radio was lowered to a considerable volume so they could hear themselves speaking. Fernando reached for the now heated bottle of Gatorade he’d taken with him, struggling to open it.

“Donostia? Seriously?”

Llorente’s head turned immediately to smile broadly at him and then moving quickly back at the road. “I knew you knew.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t hard to guess.”

“Are you calling me predictable?”

“No, I’m not.” Fernando took a long sip of the orange drink as he pointed at Llorente’s left. La Concha could be seen at the distance, which made the man giggle. “I just _observe_ , with my _eyes_.”

“You don’t say.”

Fernando wanted to give a witty reply, but Llorente’s enormous smile along with a hand falling on his thigh and giving a firm squeeze kept him still..

“So,” Llorente started, “shall I tell you what South Africa is like?”

“Oh, please, do.”

Fernando spent the rest of the trip listening to his best friend talking like a madman, trying to emulate the voices of his team-mates from La Roja. Needless to say, Llorente’s hand kept squeezing his thigh whenever the stories got interesting.

* * *

 

As he waited for Llorente to be back, Fernando held the cigarette on one hand, the lighter in the other. The first two hours after their arrival had been spent on long walks across opposite sites of the basque city. They’d gone to a restaurant Llorente’s friend owned, and then decided to simply walk aimlessly until they reached the beach. Llorente was easily distracted by meaningless things on the stores along the way, but Fernando didn’t really mind. He always loved seeing Llorente’s blue eyes brightening at the sight of something he considered valuable.

By the time they’d reached the nearness of the beach of La Concha, Llorente had been intersected by two La Roja fans who were over their heels to had found him in there. Fernando’d simply offered him a sympathetic smile and tilted his head on the white handrail’s direction, in a successful attempt to let him know where he’d be.

Over at the beach people were enjoying themselves, some splashing water at each other, some men about his age playing beach volley with a ball painted with Real Sociedad’s colours. Most of the girls were lying on their beach towels, tanning their curvy bodies underneath the bright summer soon. They all had one thing in common: they were happy. True, nonchalant happiness that made him feel a bit uneasy. Times like those were the ones in which Fernando profoundly wondered how people were able to leave all their problems aside and simply have a good time for a while. It’d been a long time since Fernando had done something similar

“Aw, Amore.” Llorente popped by his side merely seconds after he’d lighted the cigarette, supporting himself on the handrail with his back at the sea, his arm brushing Fernando’s. “Why here?”

“What?”

“Smoking, it’s bad for you.”

“I know,” he said truthfully with a sad smile. Nicotine could be addictive and quite harmful, yet ironically, never as addictive and harmful as loving Llorente was. “I think it has become an habit.”

“Well, you should try to quit it.”

_I have tried to quit you countless times, and we know how well that ends._

“Perhaps.” Fernando led the cigarette to his parted lips and for a second he tried to forget about Llorente’s gaze on him. He sucked in the smoke and let it fill his lungs. Perhaps it was the pressure of Llorente’s presence behind him, but he got a faint headache the moment he blew a cloud of smoke out, eyelids flying open. Llorente was looking at him with honest concern. Fernando’s stomach twisted, quickly drifting his gaze away to let it fall back on the water. “Fer, uh, can I ask you something?”

Llorente shifted and adopted the same position as Fernando’s, eyes fixed on the horizon ahead, were the blue waves broke into the shore with a beautiful sound. As he waited for an answer, Fernando decided to let the cigarette go to waste and stubbe the cigarette on the handrail, brushing the ashes with his hand.

“Okay, shoot.”

“Why are we here?”

“Here? Well, it’s summer, and it’s been a while since either of us visited Donostia for something other than football, so I guessed—”

“No, no.” Llorente’s eyes kept shifting from the beach to his face, something that made him look at his own hands. “I mean, why _are_ we here?”

“Ah, you mean the reason…” Llorente mumbled. He sounded a bit lost, as if he was getting the pieces of a puzzle back together in his mind. “…well, it’s been quite a while since we went out, only the two of us. Years, actually. Sometimes I think you’re trying to avoid spending time with me when the sun is up. I get that sometimes Javi is in the way— he spends a lot of time with me and that troubles you, somehow. But when it’s only the two of us, like the old times, is different, isn’t it? _Feels_ different. I wanted to spend a good time with you, Amore, remind you how much you mean to me, because…” Reaching to rest a hand upon his shoulder, Llorente sighed. “I guess I missed my best friend.”

It was right there, that summer of two thousand and nine, that fraction of second when their eyes locked together in a mixture of something he didn’t even know that Fernando realised Llorente wasn’t aware of all the pain he’d caused him over the years. Fernando knew when Llorente lied, mostly because he’d spent years watching over him and understanding the ways Llorente was always able to sweet-talk anyone into doing whatever he wanted, but those words— they were all true. He was so stunned he didn’t know whether he wished he could cry or wrap his arms around Llorente.

Instead, he spoke.

“I have missed you too.”

“Then I’m glad I’m not the only one, and I hope that you’re enjoying all of this,” Llorente replied with a grin on his face. It seemed impossible that in all the heat, Llorente hadn’t broken a sweat. His face was still radiant like a sunny day, blue eyes calm as the sea. “The aquarium is still open, you know.”

Fernando chuckled. “Wait, you want to go to the aquarium?”

“Why not? It’s over there, the sun is still shining bright upon us, there’s no rush to go back to Bilbao just now.”

“And of all the places in Donostia, you want to go to the aquarium.”

“Look alive, sunshine, c’mon,” Llorente insisted, bumping their shoulders together. “It’ll be fun.”

Was there any possible way of saying ‘no’?

“Fine, we’ll go to the aquarium.”

“That’s my Amore.” Llorente gave him a peck on the cheek before walking away from him, stopping only to look back and shout, “Come on! What are you waiting for?”

* * *

Whilst  they were walking towards the aquarium, Fernando’s heart almost stopped beating when he felt Llorente’s hand brush his own. 

For a second he actually thought Llorente was going to hold his hand, but the thought was only that. 

A thought.

 


End file.
